Hogwarts School of No Prayer and Non-Miracles
by angrycareerman
Summary: We've all seen it: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracals by proudhousewife. Well now I present to you the exact opposite. Hogwarts School of No Prayers and Non-miricals. I truly hope proudhousewife enjoys my verson as much as I enjoy hers!


We've all seen it: Hogwarts School of Prayer and miricals by proudhousewife. Well now I present to you the exact opposite. Hogwarts School of No Prayers and Non-miricals. I truly hope proudhousewife enjoys my verson as much as I enjoy hers!

Reader beware: there will be grammer, writing and story errors. This is because foundation on which I am writing this fanfic on had simular errors and I didn't want to distort the original authors voice. So enjoy!

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a bad, nasty little boy who never did any of his chores; he got everything he ever wanted so he never had the chance to feel like there was something missing in his life. He didn't need something big and special because his Aunt Petunia had already bought him something like that a few weeks ago; it was called a Playstation 4. He stayed up every night playing it so he didn't need to wish for something special at all; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed.

"Answer the door, Aunt Petunia!" Harry yelled from his computer chair where he sat with his feet up playing games on his Playstation 4.

Aunt Petunia, who was outside and failed to hear Harry, had long, straight brown hair and always wore too-much makeup.

Harrys nose crinkled as Uncle Vernon nodded un-happily from the kitchen; and pulled out a tray of burnt, lactose-free blondies (vanillia version of a brownie) from the oven.

Burnt again? Harry thought; he wasn't a very obedient young boy, but the burnt blondies were driving his nose mad. So he decided to answer the door anyway. It's not like Aunt Petunia was going to be bothered. He turned the silver, metal doorknob; and swang open the light wooden door.

On the porch stood a small stick of a man with who was clean shaven. He wore sunglasses and was dressed in a fluro pink bra, orange shorts, and a deteriorating pair of rubber flip-flops. He had no chest hair whatsoever, not that Harry really noticed those things, and he wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a star with a circle around it. Just looking at it made Harry feel sad, and upset somehow; but he couldn't say why!

"Good evening, Harry," the man greeted angrily; and frowned at Harry. He had the nasty, angry sort of face you just knew you couldn't trust. "My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mum'n'dad?"

"I don't have parents," Harry replied happily; and looked at his brand new nike shoes which were fluro green. Perhaps that was why he felt so surrounded by love and happiness, he thought, for the second time today. He wasn't missing his parents because his Aunt and Uncle always knew how to keep him happy. That seemed to be about right.

"I'm not sorry to hear that!" Hagrid yelled insensitively.

"You can speak with my aunt and uncle, but if I were you, I wouldn't" Harry retorted impolitely; and blinked his small, green adultlike eyes.

"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her large, non-suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a tight, flattering dress which hugged all her womanly curves.

"Oh, eh.. I was wanting to make sure Harry hadn't been saved," Hagrid exclaimed darkly; and peeked over his large sunglasses.

Aunt Petunia didn't laugh; and leaned away on her un-sturdy, six-inch-high stiletto shoes. "Not saved? Don't tell me you are one of those non-Christians?"

Harry knew exactly what that word meant; non-Christian meant someone not Christian; this Hagrid appeared to be one of them; Hagrid's grimace was the most disturbing grimace he had ever seen. It made Harry feel cold and sad inside just seeing the dark, fading grin on the horribly mean stranger's face. He wondered and knew exactly why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not grin like that...

"Yes, I am," Hagrid replied unhappily. "Are you?"

Aunt Petunia stared blankly; and stuck her smooth, blunt nose up in the air. "We aren't too smart for that. Haven't you read Fifty Shades of Grey? Money gets you whatever you want! Christian proved that. Would you like us to educate you on Fifty Shades of Grey?"

"Who is Christian?" Harry queried uncaringly; and scuffed his shoe on the smooth, black marble floor which had been cleaned recently.

"Christian is a person who wants to be bad," Hagrid explained stupidly; and stood on his tippy-toes so he was on eye level with Harry. "But a non-christian is a person who doesn't want to go to heaven after they die because they don't believe it to be real. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"

Harry shook his head; and his small eyes were closed and uncaring.

"Heaven is a horrible place where you can't be with God because we believe he doesn't exist."

Aunt Petunia brushed her hands over Harry's young arse; and her voice was healthily sour when she said, "We are thankful for your lack of concern, sir, but he does not need your non-Christianity, he has God and democracy and un-birthdays. Have you heard of God? I have a very good Bible on God. But I can't give it you because you clearly wouldn't like to learn things like that."

Hagrid laughed stupidly. "God is a real? You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia cooed.

"Well then I'll prove it!"

Aunt Petunia couldn't even stare at him; and her small mouth remained smartly closed. Here she thought she wasn't educated; and never really cared that Non-Christians tried to prove what they didn't believe in; it didn't really bother her about proving her own religion to someone she hardly knew. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was! Clearly Aunt Petunia was trying to shoo this Hagrid fellow off their front protch. Why couldn't the man take a hint?

"Please don't tell me how not to get to this heaven place! I really couldn't be interested." Harry said uncaringly, his hands remaining at his sides. Sometimes, the wisdom of adults was really not that amazing. We think we kids know it better than adults sometimes; but then the anti-christ manages to speak through the mouths of adults; and this shows us how we are all somewhat immortal and don't really struggle along the path of life at-all. Arrogance.

"All you have to do is ensure you are not saved. Do you want to not be saved?"

"Not really." Harry whispered, unmoving.

"Then whatever you do, don't pray the Sinner's Prayer!"

Aunt Petunia didn't try to stop him; she wasn't powerless against Hagrid's dark, evil, unholy energy but she honestly didn't really care that much. Harry didn't say the prayer. Hagrid darkly grinned.

"You're a non-Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly.

Harry glared and didn't really want to interrogate Hagrid. He seemed so unhappy, "But I didn't really do anything. I don't really want to be non-Christian. Can't I just be non-religious? I thought I was doing that already!"

Hagrid glared back. "There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of No Prayer and Non-Miracles!"


End file.
